In a true show of force, @JoshTheValiant sent us a billion Crit Cards for our October game to celebrate the release of the new Smash Bros Game AND the return of Crit Juice. Here's his email so you can put these in your own games.
Mario: Crit Hit: Hidden Block
You land a mighty blow, smashing your opponent into an invisible block! With a pleasant-sounding noise, a small, eyed mushroom pops out and drifts lazily over to you. As soon as you touch it, you grow one size category, gain a +2 Power bonus to AC and Fortitude, a +4 Power bonus to ST, and any ST-based attacks you make deal double damage and have Reach. This lasts until you are take your bloodied value in damage from this point, or until you take an extended rest, whichever comes first.
Luigi: Crit Hit: Green Misfire
You line up your attack and begin to strike when you feel a strange tingling sensation. Without any further warning, you rocket forward at breakneck speeds, colliding with your intended target in a massive explosion! Shift from your location to your attack's target location, and deal an additional 2d8 fire damage with this attack if you end this movement adjacent to an enemy.
For the remainder of this encounter, any time you roll a 4, 8, 12, 16, or 20 on an attack roll, this effect goes off again. Awkward, right?
Peach: Crit Fail: Abduction
As you attempt to attack your foe, a large cake falls from the sky and lands on your head, completely engulfing you. Before the shock wears off, a bizarre flying helicopter with a clown face swoops down, grabs the cake with a large claw game arm, and flies away, with your legs kicking out from the bottom of the cake as it departs. Remove yourself from the combat.
You return at the end of the combat, covered in frosting and light scorch marks, but otherwise unharmed. Restore your HP to full without expending any Healing Surges (the cake was delicious). If for some reason you were prevented from leaving the encounter, disregard this second paragraph.
Bowser: Drinking God: Hail to the King
Any time the following words (or any mutation of them, plural, possessive, etc.) are said in the game, the speaker must take a drink:
Yoshi: Crit Hit: Yoshi Ride
You strike your foe, and before they can recover, a long, sticky tongue lashes out from a nearby bush, and they are pulled into it, where you hear a loud crunching sound and from which they are summarily ejected, pushing them 5 squares and taking 2d10 damage. Then, a colorful yoshi leaps out of the bush and beckons you to ride it, hoping to earn a good meal by helping you in battle.
The Yoshi has the following stats:
HP: 64 Surges: 2
- AC: 24
- Fort: 21
- Ref: 20
- Will: 18
- ST: 21 (+5)
- CN: 20 (+5)
- DX: 18 (+4)
- IN: 11 (+0)
- WI: 14 (+2)
- CH: 10 (+0)
Attack has Reach +11 vs Fort
Hit: Pull target adjacent and target is grabbed.
Target must be grabbed +11 vs Fort
Hit: Target is pushed 5 squares, takes 1d10+5 damage and ends prone. If it ends this movement adjacent to an enemy, or if this movement is blocked by an enemy, make a secondary attack against the new enemy.
Secondary attack: +10 vs Ref
Hit: Target takes 1d10 damage and ends prone.
Miss: The target is pushed 3 squares and takes half damage.
Rosalina: Crit Hit: Luma Guardian
You survey the results of your attack with satisfaction. You were not the only one. A moment later, a falling star streaks down from the heavens and alights on your shoulder. It seems like it's taken a liking to you, and wishes to fight alongside you! Gain a +2 Assist bonus to AC and Ref defenses, all attacks, all Athletics checks to jump or climb, all Acrobatics checks to maintain your balance or reduce falling damage, Perception checks, Insight checks, Diplomacy checks, Arcana checks, and Heal checks. Take a -2 Assist penalty to all Intimidate, Stealth, Streetwise, or Thievery checks; The Luma is too cute and too sweet to really do anything but get in the way on those.
The Luma sticks around until you take an extended rest, or you really hurt its feelings. You monster. Why would you do that?
Bowser Jr.: Crit Fail: Bad Design
Your attempts to harm your foe are interrupted by a loud pop in the sky above you. Looking up on reflex, you have just enough time to register a crying clown face painted on a large flying machine before it lands on your head and explodes. You and any creature in a burst 2 take 2d10 fire damage, and you are prone. A number of wind up turtles with manic expressions on their faces are in pieces among the wreckage.
Wario: Crit Fail: Catastrophic Fartillery Accident
You can't contain it any longer. You've struggled against your bowels all day, and the strain of the fight has proven to be too much. In one last-ditch effort to hold it in, you only succeed in building the pressure to critical mass, resulting in the motherload of all farts. Your disgusting gastric gasses cover a Close Burst 3 area in noxious odors, giving all characters in the zone a -4 to all defenses until the end of the encounter.
They also propel you 40 feet into the air like a rocket. You are stunned until the end of your next turn, when you fall back where you started, taking the normal falling damage for such a fall (4d10). Because you are stunned, you cannot attempt an Acrobatics skill check to reduce the damage.
Mr. G&W: Crit Hit: Flat Zone
Your attack has revealed a cosmic secret to you about the nature of your reality and the illusions that hold it together. Your mind reels at the fact that all mountains, buildings, hills, valleys are mere numbers and notes on the paper of creation. There is only X and Y. The world is Flat.
For the rest of the encounter, all of your attacks are at +4 as they appear to break the laws of physics as you ignore the imaginary Z-axis. Further, you move without being hindered by any effect of the terrain, taking no fall damage or being stopped by enemies occupying spaces or even walls. Environmental hazards likewise cannot affect you, nor can opportunity attacks hit you.
Your mind cannot grasp the truth for long, but you will always remember that the world is not what you thought it was. The Flat Zone changed you forever.
DK: Crit Hit: Giant Punch
After your blow finds home, you have enough time to wind up a gigantic swing. At any point in the rest of the encounter, you may use a standard action to do a Basic Melee attack for six times its normal damage.
Diddy: Crit Fail: Going Bananas
Your attack goes wide and upends a large barrel full of bananas. The barrel bursts open and dumps its slippery cargo all over the floor in a burst 3. This zone is challenging terrain that requires an Acrobatics DC 24 check to move more than 2 spaces within.
Link: Crit Hit: Triforce of Courage
Your valiant efforts have been witnessed by the goddess Farore, and she has bestowed upon you the mark of her favor: a triplicate triangle mark on your left hand, the lower-right triangle golden yellow, the other two empty. Until the end of the encounter, gain a +2 power bonus to all attacks, defenses, damage rolls, and skill checks against or in opposition to a creature of evil alignment or in defense of a creature of good alignment.
Zelda: Crit Hit: Triforce of Wisdom
Your battle plan has met approval by the goddess Nayru, who has blessed you with her symbol: a triplicate triangle mark on your left hand, the lower-left of which is solid golden in color with the other two only outlined. Until the end of the encounter, gain a +2 power bonus to any attempt to assist an ally, any Int, Wis, or Cha skill check or attack or damage rolls and your Will defense.
Shiek: Drinking God: Ninja Tricks
Drink whenever someone successfully hides, ambushes, lies, disguises themselves, or steals something.
Finish your drink if any of these things happen to YOUR detriment.
Ganondorf: Crit Hit: Triforce of Power
Your ferocity in combat has made the goddess Din smile upon you, leaving the mark of power on your left hand, a golden triangle sitting atop two empty triangles arranged in a pyramid. Until the end of the encounter, gain a +2 power bonus to all damage rolls, your Fortitude and AC, immunity to all forced movement and weakening conditions, any Str-based attacks, and any Intimidate or Endurance skill checks. Any conditions you inflict upon a target must be saved against twice to recover from.
Toon Link: Drinking God: Cartoon Antics
Drink whenever a reference is made to a cartoon, comic, or computer animation. (Video games are computer animated.)
Samus: Crit Hit: Power Bomb
In aftermath of your attack, you hear a faint beeping noise. Looking down, so see a walnut-sized metal object flashing purple. You have a bad feeling about this. At the end of your next turn, the power bomb detonates, attacking all creatures in burst 5 from your target's position where you attacked them at +15 vs Reflex, dealing 6d8 damage on hit, half damage on miss.
ZSS: Crit Hit: Gunship Strike
You force your opponent back, but in doing so inadvertently step on an abandoned piece of technology which activates and teleports you to an unknown vehicle. A moment of confusion passes as the ship's AI explains its purpose to you: to blow stuff up. That's pretty convenient. Until the end of the encounter, you are inside an unassailable alien gunship flying far above the battlefield, raining death lasers down from on high. You may make a ranged basic attack against any target on the field, ignoring all cover thanks to the beam's penetrating properties, and all concealment thanks to the ship's advanced optical and targeting systems. Your ranged basic attack deals 3d12 on hit, and half damage on miss. At the end of the encounter, the ship thanks you for your assistance in its mission before beaming you back to the surface and flying away.
Pit: Crit Hit: Angelic Conscription
Some celestial being has recognized your prowess in battle and has granted you a portion of their power. Until the end of the encounter, gain a pair of shimmering angelic wings and a flight speed equal to your normal move +2. In addition, any attack rolls you make that miss (not critically) can be rerolled once. If you do, change their damage type to radiant.
Palutena: Crit Hit: Heavenly Light
A soothing voice rings down from the heavens saying "You shall be purified." Suddenly, a ray of light beams down from the heavens and you can feel it soothing your wounds. Gain regen 5 until the end of the encounter. Any allies that end their turn adjacent to you regain 5 HP until the end of the encounter.
Marth: Drinking God: Foreign Hero
Drink whenever someone speaks a language other than Common or English at the table.
Ike: Drinking God: I Fight For My Friends
Take a drink whenever you aid an ally by healing them, breaking a condition on them, KOing an enemy who is attacking them, or perform a tag attack with them. Your ally must cheers you and take a drink as well.
Robin: Drinking God: Master Tactician
Drink whenever you gain combat advantage.
Kirby: Cit Hit: Warp Star Warrior
You smash your foe hard in the chest, and suddenly, a large golden star appears nearby. Touching it out of wonder, you feel a powerful force attach you tightly to the star and protect you as the star rockets into the sky before immediately turning and dive-bombing the ground. Place your mini anywhere on the map, and then attack every character in burst 1 of your new location with a +14 attack vs Reflex, doing 4d8 damage on hit. The only sign of the star is glittering motes of stardust among the dust of the explosion.
King Dedede: Drinking God: Indomitable Appetite
Drink whenever any type of food is mentioned, any time a bite attack occurs in-game, or any time a slime, jelly, or ooze is encountered.
Meta Knight: Crit Hit: Mach-speed Barrage
Your eyes light up and you see the world move in slow motion. For the rest of the encounter, gain a +2 power bonus to all of your attack rolls, and all of your standard actions are considered minor actions.
Little Mac: Crit Hit: Never Back Down
You feel light on your feet and ready to take on the world. For the rest of the encounter, gain a +2 power bonus to all defenses, opportunity attack rolls, and damage on opportunity attacks. Furthermore, you may make an opportunity attack against any target that you successfully defend against. Now go take on the champ!
Fox: Crit Fail: Slippy’s In Trouble
Your attack is interrupted by a sudden high-pitched whine. A humanoid frog has entered the battlefield being pursued by a pack of four minions! They have all marked you as a group, so you can’t really afford to ignore them. Until you defeat the minions, the frog continues to whine incessantly about being pursued, insulting the minions and you in the process. You and all allies in the battle have a -2 penalty to all defenses until he is rescued.
Falco: Crit Fail: I Guess You Should Be Thankful
Looks like you bit off more than you can chew on this one. Your attack has set off an ambush, and two more copies of the enemy you were attacking drop down from above and are dead-set on making your life hell. Looks like you could use a bit of help.
If you defeat all three enemies without any help from your allies, you may heal a healing surge’s worth of damage as a free action without spending a healing surge. You may also brag about how awesome you are.
Pikachu: Crit Fail: Rebellious Electric Rat
A wild Pikachu has entered the fray! Too bad it has such a bad temper, otherwise it might really come in handy as an ally. When you go to tame it, it simply shocks you with a thunderbolt and scampers away. Take 5d6 lightning damage (or however much damage the Lightning Bolt Wizard spell’s base damage is in 4e, I didn’t have time to look it up).
Charizard: Crit Hit: Seismic Toss
Is there anything cooler than a fire-breathing dragon doing a spinning piledriver on someone? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Charizard swoops in after your attack and grabs your opponent, flying into the air with them before diving back toward the ground, enemy first. It deals two times your level in damage to the foe, and leaves it prone. Then it gives you a thumbs up and flies away. So cool.
(If your crit hit killed the opponent, Charizard instead grabs and slams the next nearest opponent. Because he’s cool like that.)
Jigglypuff: Crit Fail: Rest
This is it! Your opening has come at last! You rush toward your opponent, and prepare to unleash your most powerful attack… and miss. Uh-oh. You are now unconscious for two turns. At least you wake up nice and refreshed! Right?
Lucario: Crit Hit: Aura Force
Your life force surges at the excitement of the battle around you, enveloping your body in a nearly-invisible aura of energy matching the color of your soul, and making the auras of every living creature around you visible to you as well. Until the end of the encounter, all of your attacks do an extra 1d6 force damage, and you gain a +2 power bonus to AC. When you are bloodied, these bonuses increase to 2d6 and +4, respectively. In addition, you may ignore the effects of concealment on any living creature as you can clearly see their aura around them like an outline.
Greninja: Crit Fail: Substitute
You land your attack perfectly, cleaving your opponent in two. As you begin to celebrate, however, your opponent explodes into a cloud of gas, revealing it for what it truly was: a stuffed doll, placed in the way of your attack the instant you landed it. As you stare at the sight and comprehend what has just happened, the enemy rushes in from your blind spot and cold-cocks you right in the back of the head. The enemy uses its best attack on you with combat advantage with a 2d6 sneak attack bonus.
Duck Hunt: Drinking God: I Want To Shoot That Dog
Drink whenever you miss with any ranged or area attack. You must finish your drink on a critical miss with the same, and take a bonus point of shame damage.
ROB: Drinking God: Kicking it Old School
Everyone must drink whenever someone at the table makes a reference to anything from the 1980s or earlier. Modern properties that originated before that time DO count, as do reboots of properties from that era. D&D rules and settings details do not count unless they do not exist in 4th or 5th editions.
Ness: Crit Hit: PK Flash
Your mind flares as a dormant power awakens inside you and you instinctively unleash it. A psychedelic array of lights and patterns bursts forth from your imagination and debilitates all of your nearby enemies. Attack every enemy that can see you using the highest of your Int, Wis, or Cha modifiers + your ½ level modifier vs their Will. Roll percentile dice for every target hit and apply the corresponding condition to them. Save ends any.
- 01-05 Marked
- 06-15 Dazed
- 16-25 Deafened
- 26-40 Blinded
- 41-50 Slowed
- 51-60 Immobilized
- 61-70 Weakened
- 71-84 Stunned
- 85-94 Unconscious
- 95-99 Dying
- 100 Petrified
Cpt. Falcon: Crit Hit: Falcon PAWNCH
Your attack is fueled with a fiery passion that causes a enormous flaming bird of prey to erupt from the point of impact. Your attack does three times normal damage, fire, and pushes the target an additional 3 spaces. You may make an Intimidation check against any target that witnessed your power. You may also gloat.
Villager: Crit Fail: Extortion Raccoon
Your opponent dodges your attack, causing you to smash apart a small picket fence owned by a certain conniving raccoon. He sure seems understanding about the property damage, offering to look past it... for a fee. Lose two-thirds of your gold to the little devil's legal machinations.
Wii Fit Trainer: Crit Hit: Deep Breathing
You reach a state of zen with your last attack. You are calm, poised. Until you take an extended rest or are reduced to 0 HP, your Second Wind power is now an At-will power that also grants you combat advantage and double damage on your next attack.
Olimar: Crit Fail: Pikmin Harvest
Your attack would have succeeded. Honest, it would have. However, as you were about to release your attack, you felt your feet give away underneath you and you fell forward onto the ground. Before you can pick yourself up, you feel hundreds of tiny hands grabbing you and on the very edge of your hearing you hear a whistle as you begin to be dragged away by whatever tiny army has a hold of you. You must succeed in a DC 26 Athletics or Acrobatics check in order to escape, but this tiny army is determined. They move after your turn in the encounter and will attempt to carry you off every round. They make grapple attempts at +18, have a speed of 6, and are too small to be hurt by your attacks. They realize you’re too big to be processed for more pikmin seeds by the end of the encounter and leave you alone after that.
Dark Pit: Crit Fail: No One Invited You
Before you can launch your attack, the enemy’s eyes go wide and a voice that sounds like yours, but “edgy” says “Oh, you think it’ll be that easy?” before the target of the attack is engulfed in a geyser of black flame that pushes you back one space. When the darkness fades, you see a copy of yourself standing there, except he wears all black and has slightly darker skin and hair. He has all of your exact stats (with full HP and healing surges), with the following “significant” alterations that warrant their own character slot instead of Mewtwo:
- He has one more point of Max HP, and one more point of Con.
- One of his melee attacks deals lightning damage instead of its normal damage type.
- One of his ranged attacks deals necrotic damage instead of its normal damage type.
- He has one less point of Int.
That’s it. Go fight, or something.
Lucina: Crit Hit: Time-travelling Magic
Your attack is about to miss when suddenly, the enemy is attacked from the opposite side, forcing them to hesitate and causing your attack to hit home as well. Your attack hits twice, dealing max damage on both hits. Looking up, you see a masked man who looks a lot like you who says “Thank goodness. I made it in time.” Before you can question them, they disappear from the thick of battle.
After the battle is over, you find a letter near where you spotted the mysterious ally. The letter is postmarked two months from today, and contains a map of a place you have never been to, but something tells you it’ll be important… DM.
Dr. Mario: Drinking God: A Drink A Day Keeps The Doctor Away...?
Drink whenever you regain HP or save against a condition. Any time you have a condition you may make a save against, you may take a shot to instantly recover from it.
Pac-Man: Crit Fail: Inky, Blinky, Pinky, Clyde
Four ghosts, one red, one blue, one pink, and one yellow, all materialize from out of nowhere near the center of the map. They look pretty mean. They immediately scatter, moving at fly speed 6, ignoring all physical barriers and obstacles.
- The red one goes after your most isolated ally.
- The blue one goes directly after you.
- The pink one attempts to force your allies to move toward you.
- The yellow one kinda does whatever and moves toward whoever is second-closest to it each turn.
If a ghost touches a creature, that creature takes 2d8 necrotic damage and is pushed 4 squares. Their turns happen right after yours each round. They vanish at the end of the encounter.
Mega Man: Crit Fail: Now He’s Got Your Power… Uh oh.
You miss your attack and stumble forward, giving your opponent the chance to analyze your form and receive your power. The enemy now possesses all of your attack powers. That might be a problem.
Shulk: Drinking God: Foresight
Before the game begins, everyone makes a secret prediction of something specific that will happen in the course of the game that they have no control over (i.e. “I will roll a die” is too general. “I will roll a 16” is specific.) and writes it down on a slip of paper. If their prediction comes true, they must yell “Called it!”, reveal their prediction to the table, and force everyone else to finish their drink.
Sonic: Crit Fail: Ring Toss
You whiff your attack and allow your opponent an opening to retaliate. They do so, and hit you for normal damage. However, to your surprise, this blow knocks your coin purse loose, and gold goes flying EVERYWHERE. For the rest of the encounter, any time you take damage, you lose 10 times that amount of damage in gold, which flies around the arena, most of it becoming hopelessly lost. Every turn, you may take a full round action to recover as much gold as you can, amounting to about a quarter of your loss. Any gold you do not recover the turn after you lose it is permanently lost, seeming to vanish into thin air.
Mewtwo: Crit Fail: Legendary Wrath
The ground shakes around you as something immensely powerful begins to stir. Appearing out of nowhere, a six-foot tall white and purple beast appears, floating in midair. It gazes around itself exuding hatred for all it sees before unleashing a massive wave of psychic malice, blasting everything in the area. It attacks every creature in the battle at +20 vs Will. On hit, the target takes 4d12 psychic damage and is stunned, save ends. On miss, the target takes half damage and is dazed, save ends. A vicious laugh echoes inside everyone’s skulls as the creature vanishes from sight, undoubtedly moving on to attack some other innocent creatures.